i'm a solipsist (and i hate it)

solipsism: the view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.

i am, rather unfortunately, a solipsist.

i'm not quite sure when it started - i think i started becoming more aware of it over a year ago. the effects of this are some rather unfortunate feelings of dereality that, if i'm being honest, really get unbearable at times.

debilitating derealization

a quirk with how i think about reality is that i tend to question the existence of anything. great philosophers in the past too have wondered whether or not one can know if their world is truly real - the difference here is that i'm a mentally unwell teenager and not, at all, a philosophist. these kind of thoughts don't exactly do wonders for my mental health, and i'd most definitely be better off not indulging in them.

and yet, i still do.

it's not that i want to believe this. far from that, actually. but for some reason, my mind has convinced itself that it's the only real thing in the universe, and that everything else is just... a projection of my insanity, i guess. a simulation? some sort of dream? fuck if i'd know.

some days, if i think about it too hard, it gets real bad.

i just feel that there's just strange looming sense of... liminality? like my life is a temporary space that i'm just staying in until... who knows what. or like my life is some virtual reality video game that i just can't quit. sometimes it feels like i have somewhere to return to, but i really don't know where.

it's almost like i'm trapped in my own mind

am i real?

everyone's heard that saying: "i think, therefore i am". it describes how the only thing one can know to exist is themself, because their thoughts are the only thing they have access to. or something.

somehow, despite that, i often feel that i don't exist.

yeah, i have thoughts. i do shit and i interact with things but somehow, that isn't enough to convince me that i'm real.

does that make any logical sense? no. doesn't change that that's how my mind feels.

i find it hard to put into words - i can't figure out how to explain further

along for the ride

another feeling that stems from my thoughts of dereality and depersonality is that i don't belong in my body or my life.

i feel like an intruder of someone else's life, observing their life play out

sometimes my memories don't feel like my own - yes, i have those memories and can recall them, but they feel like someone else's. alongside that, a lot of the time, my mind feels fuzzy - like i'm not quite here.

relatedly, i feel like i'm on autopilot the majority of the time, not thinking or feeling too hard about anything happening in front of me.

i'm not sure where else i'd belong instead of here, but i don't feel like i fit here

the ramblings of an insane universe

sometimes i think about this quote from welcome to night vale:

"[...] it is possible that I am alone in an empty universe, speaking to no one, unaware that the world is held aloft merely by my delusions and my smooth, sonorous voice. More on this story as it develops, I say, possibly only to myself."

and god fuck does it encapsulate how i feel

to elaborate on the "trapped in my own mind" thing from earlier, i sometimes wonder - what if i'm just the result of an universe gone insane, making up a world for itself to cope with the loneliness

this i find especially hard to elaborate on.

i feel that perhaps everything is in my head, made up by the universe itself, one consciousness developed to interact with the rest of itself.

okay this makes me feel really bad to think about

the meaning of everything

because of all these feelings, i often feel that my life has no meaning.

many say that we exist to enjoy life - and even if you are the only conscious being in the universe, it's still worth living to experience happiness and enjoy things.

while i do agree with that sentiment, i find it hard to find living worth it nonetheless

i do have things that i enjoy. i enjoy drawing and music and i love spending time with my friends. but existing for me is so so tiring when i have so much to do - i'm stuck in a loop of having to take care of myself and my body and go to school and do work. none of that is worth existing for for me, and when there's so much of this, it really outweighs the things that i enjoy.

i've been told that it gets better, but it's hard to make it through and a lot of the time it doesn't feel worth it when nothing feels really real to me anyway.

my feelings about this oscillate - sometimes i feel like i can make it through, sometimes i'm just really fed up with this shit

music artists get me sometimes

i'm a huge penelope scott fan and that's no secret. her music definitely makes me feel a lot of stuff and has really helped me when i've felt horrible

but, of all people, i feel that bill wurtz's music really reflects how i feel too

yeah. bill wurtz. y'know, the history of the entire world, i guess guy? yes. him.

i can't explain why but i feel like maybe he feels similarly to me, and even if he doesn't, i can still connect my thoughts to his music in a way.

here are some songs that i sorta feel this way about

• might quit
• i'm a princess
• more than a dream
• fly around

if you haven't listened to bill wurtz's stuff you really should check him out his music goes so hard

consolidation

that was kind of fucking heavy but i guess it was nice to get out. hope you're not questioning your existence too much

if anybody else feels the way i do, i want to let you know that i'm here too and even if i can't prove it i feel for you

thank you for reading the ramblings of a universe gone insane. until next time

i promise my stuff won't always be this heavy